This is a post I am doing strictly out of obedience to the Lord. I believe the Lord gave me a desire to create a blog to share Christ. I also felt that at some point, He would ask me to share some of my life on the blog. You really can’t be a good blogger detached from what you present to your readers. As a Christian, Christ’s name is also attached to my life, and therefore this blog. I would like to share a little bit more of myself with you.
A Past of Dysfunction
I tried to think of a pretty subtitle, but I couldn’t think of one. My life, from age 1-18, can be summed up in one word, 'dysfunction.' I could use another word, 'abusive.' Still, that doesn’t sound any prettier!
This is a sinful world, and every person, including you and I, contribute to the sinfulness of it. As Christians, we are seeking to be transformed into the likeness of Christ. However, we are in process. We all fall short (Romans 3:23). I say that not to justify the actions of those who abused me but to acknowledge the fact that we all need Christ’s salvation. We are all sinful and without hope apart from Him. He has graciously saved my soul from the sin of darkness. It is all of grace!
That being said, I was mistreated severely as a child. I can’t remember a time where I was not in an abusive environment. I grew up with fear, was hyper-sensitive because of the fear, Insomnia, stomach issues, headaches…all due to the abuse. Though I had all the symptoms, “What happens here stays here” was what I heard consistently. So, I obeyed. No one knew I was experiencing trauma because I was good at pretending. I had to be! Also, I didn’t really know my home was abusive. It was all I knew! I didn’t like the way things were, but I didn’t know it was terribly bad. I don’t feel led to describe in detail the abuse now, but I will say ALL types of childhood abuse is traumatizing
As I look back and continue to process, I see that it has affected every aspect of my life- my friendships, the way I think, what makes me anxious, sleeping patterns, and being bothered by things that might remind me of my past. All of it is linked to the trauma I experienced as a child.
Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds
When you grow up, that stuff doesn’t just fall off of you. One or two visits to a counselor don't fix it. When I became a believer, you would think that everything from my past that affected me would have gone away. No, it didn’t. Becoming a Christian doesn’t erase your past. God is good and faithful to His Word. He says He will turn it for good! He will use it for His glory. I see many ways He has done so in my life already. I am thankful! Still, I want to tell those who may know someone that is being abused or has been through childhood trauma, 'it is common for it to take years to even begin to see progress.' So be patient with them and kind to yourself.
Hope in Christ
What I want to say to those who are Christians, and have dealt with childhood abuse is that there is hope in our Savior. It is sad that there are few Christian counselors specialized in childhood trauma because it is needed. God has changed many of my ways of thinking and has given me a great support system. He has made Himself known to me through the hardest times. The most helpful thing I have ever found is being at the feet of Jesus. As I write this, I wipe tears from my eyes, because these are not just mere words that a Christian is suppose to say. He has proven it to me! He has been All to me. God has not wiped clean from my mind my childhood. He hasn’t even taken away some of the day to day struggles I face because of it. But as for now, it is a thorn in my side that reminds me of my need of Him. (Read 2 Corinthian 12:1-10) This thorn, causes me to cling to Christ tightly and often.
The enemy will try to deceive you into thinking that this is some curse that you have been dealt and will never overcome. I have thought those thoughts. I have had to confess with a sincere heart that I would be okay if no other healing came. This is because I will still have Him and that is having All. He is sufficient! And there is nothing like pain that will make a person fall to their knees in humility before our gracious Father. That is when we see His sufficiency. He doesn't leave us alone in our pain; He comforts! He makes Himself known to those who wait on Him (Psalm 34:18).
It is not easy. Some days I wake and cry. I have days that are really easy and carefree. Sometimes things are amazing, but then suddenly I might break down in the middle of the night with tears. I have learned to go to Him and offer those tears as a sacrifice. I can offer Him my brokenness. I can stand on the Rock of Christ, taking hold of His words of comfort to me from the Bible. For the person who has had similar experiences as mine, I know how hard it is. I can’t get through this short post without frequent Kleenex breaks. Believe me, I know! But, you have a Healer, a Comforter, a Friend, a Father, a Counselor. As I said, He is all you need. Lift your eyes to Him. Do not listen to the enemy's lies. He wants to destroy you. Cling to Christ...you will soon realize Christ is holding you! Offer up all of your pain, do not leave anything behind. Go to Him and tell Him what they did, why it bothers you. Tell on the bullies to your Father, and allow Him to clean up your wounds. It is a process. But, He will be there holding your hand the entire time.
I don’t have all of the answers by any means. I will be honest and say I work with a counselor weekly. Weekly counseling has been really helpful, but there is NO ONE who comforts me like God, through His Holy Spirit. My advice to you is to go to Him and stay there! Tell Him you don’t know what you are doing. Guess what? You don’t have to!
He cares about you more than you care for yourself. He loves you more than you love yourself. He knows you more than you know yourself. (Read Psalm 139). You are completely safe in His arms.
This is just a brief glimpse into who I am. I am a Child of the King. I am united with the Bride of Christ. I am co-heirs with Christ. I am also, a child of God who has been mistreated and is in a continual process of healing. I, like every Christian, am slowing becoming more like Christ by His Spirit. If you have experienced some of what I have mentioned, feel free to email me on my contact page. I don’t have all the answers, but I do have an all-knowing God who I can point you to, and I can share what He has taught me through my own personal journey.
Comment or message me, I would love to connect and hear your stories!
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